Paranoia in the woods: A Gnostic review of ‘The Cabin in the Woods’.

Cabin in the Woods 9

Once in a while a movie comes along that blows my mind. I first saw The Cabin in the Woods when it hit theatres last year in 2012 but I watched it again today on Netflix. I saw many Gnostic themes in it before but it never dawned on me to write about it. There are other movies I may mention such as The Dark Knight rises, Immortals, and Clash of the Titans. So here goes!

At first I saw this movie as a great satire on the political situation in America since 9/11. Now I am beginning to see it as the delusion of the stoner character in the film. I also see it as a comedy about the orthodox views of the Gnostics and Science itself. A sort of David Icke, Alex Jones satanic rape tale in the vein of the boy who cried wolf. Wikipedia describes it as, “a critical satire on torture porn”. This is supposedly as told by it’s writers. I think it is also a modern take on the Greek myth of the Titans and the Olympian gods manipulating the world as well.

There are five archetypal characters and their fate is controlled by an action they make. However, they are not clued in on which action receives which outcome. Reason is this frail thing they cling to, even the fool character, but there is no rationality or reason in the cabin. It is even possible to interpret it this way: the action is not what matters but rather the possession of an item such as a music box. This what warranted their fate ultimately. The virgin was stereotypically attracted to the childish sound of a music box rather than the image of a naked man. It is very thought provoking in this sense. The five archetypes are: the whore (a sort of Mary Magdalene character), the fool (a Peter or Judas character), the virgin (virgin Mary type), the athlete (Paul?), and the scholar. This movie is not written by Gnostics but the world view is very much Gnostic/ Greek. There is the evil whore, the pure virgin, the athlete who fights only to win but ends up losing, and the completely oblivious to popular things but very plugged in to the reality behind reality. These character archetypes very much fit the above said characters of Christianity.


From Homer and Irenaeus, to Dark Matters and David Icke, this movie covers it all. Is there a secret cabal of evil Satan worshipers who think they are the benevolent protectors of mankind who participate in rape, torture, and ritual sacrifice to appease the angry gods with human blood? The supremely evil good guys? Icke is always spouting some story such as the one entitled ‘Death in the woods’ (1) in which he speaks  of a Dr. David Kelly and “many convenient deaths” (1). Icke also mentions rape fantasies about Bill Clinton and some Satanic rituals. Dark Matters speaks of scientists trying to cloak battleships with Einstein’s secret science and men who find out about it getting murdered for finding this dangerous knowledge. You see, the point is that knowledge is dangerous. I’m sure Luther and Savonarola would agree. There are tales of men trying to implant human embryos in female monkeys and monkey embryos in human women and breeding an army for a ‘Planet of the Apes’ soviet takeover. It is the fear of THE OTHER as mentioned in psychology texts that propels this magic thinking. The very idea of this shadow government is found in The Dark Knight Rises and that entire trilogy as the League of Shadows. Bane even comes to rip up Wall St. in Gotham.


Icke loves to protest that we are not our body and the world is an illusion. However, what he means is very different from what a Gnostic means. Icke even insists that the forbidden gnosis is that there is a hidden history, which of course is that of Helena Blavatsky’s Atlantean civilization and root races. Men like Santos Bonnacci love these silly ideas too. Everything is covered up by the powers that be. The overlords behind a computer desk in a buried facility in the bowels of the earth, etc. Icke even cites the Book of the Watchers found in 1Enoch, an apocryphal text regarding the fall of humanity when it interbred with fallen angels who taught mankind the alien arts! (2) Hell, Icke even mentions the Emerald tablets of Thoth (3).

In his book Children of the Matrix, Icke says, “Children are the major targets because the reptilians prefer the ‘purity’ of their blood and energy, and the most effective way to start trauma-based mind control is before the age of five or six.” (4) This same theme of trauma-based mind control is featured in the movies Kill Bill vol. 1 and vol. 2. For Icke, we all sort of live in a big Cabin in the Woods. Everyone is some sick twisted Marquis de Sade. Beware the very rich lurking Italian Satanists who do whatever they please…



Despite any truly scientific proof other than a pre-pubescent state or the breaking of the hymen, virginity seems to be a thing purely of the human imagination and is defined on Wikipedia in several bizarre ways. The way in which a person loses their said state of virginity varies among cultures as well. Even the variables of consensual and non-consensual sex (rape or in some cases sex with a minor) can determine whether one truly lost their virginity even if the hymen is broken proving otherwise. Virginity is typically a female thing and symbolizes purity. Virginity was stressed mainly in Roman culture and by the Roman church. It seems that purity being allotted to virgins is merely a form of magical thinking. In reality the virgin is actually a constellation known to the Greeks and modern men as Virgo aka Parthenos. The Parthenon was even built in honor of Athena, who symbolized Virginity. Virgin even takes on the meaning of uninitiated hence one can be a Chinese food virgin and pop their Chinese food cherry. To be uninitiated into the mysteries is to be Virgin. To corrupt a Virgin mother church is to initiate its followers into gnosis.

At the same time, the fruits of sex can be sexual impurities now otherwise known as Sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s). In Rome, the priestesses of Vesta were the Vestal virgins. The fire stolen from the gods was maintained by chastity. This is where this movie likely takes this idea of the Virgin needing to be sacrificed or at least made to bleed. Virgo withholds herself from mankind when justice falls out of favor. The Gnostics were said to hate the concept of justice so in the Roman mind they hated virginity and purity. Really this is polemic against their initiations into science/ magic. Sacrificial fire was used on the altar to Vesta which represented the earth and thus pure blood of a virgin was needed to keep life going and the fire had to remain lit to keep the Titans locked under the earth or in Hades.


This is the fire of Prometheus and Azazel. Fire representing an early scientific breakthrough. The Singularity is that new fire of the gods that taints mankind yet somehow makes it purer. Fire needs oxygen or wind, a breath, a pneuma, the breath of a God. The God breathed into men and could sense the spilling of blood in the soil. The Vedas give similar stories. Jesus even behaves like a diva vestal virgin at one point when he gets mad that the hem of his garment is grasped. For a Vestal virgin to touch a slave was to free them by law. They even appeased the underworld gods by throwing voodoo straw dolls into the Tiber. The statue of justice was ironically Vesta and the Christians had it removed shortly before Rome fell.



For Icke, the Illuminati or illuminated ones are the evil controllers or archons. Thus, the Gnostic is an archon, so is the Norseman. I happen to be both so you can imagine how offensive he is to me. Much more offensive than any Catholic. He is a hyper Roman Catholic in my book. A fascist Nazi Theosophy toting Anglican Catholic nutbag. The movie does not go so far as to make Norse people in charge (one is the first victim, the whore), but it does very much appeal to the idea of a shadow government/ hidden controllers like Icke and the Gnostics have. These are the fill-in for the Greek Olympian gods who see everything that happens on the earth below.


In the book of Revelation, the story of the Titans is repeated of Satan/ the beast. He is cast into the earth in chains, into the Abyss. This is how the Titans were punished and it is no surprise that Irenaeus said the name of Antichrist could be Teitan, the original spelling. The key Titan being Prometheus who stole the fire of the gods. Thus, even if a Gnostic hates procreation, he at the same time, like Prometheus, loves mankind. He defines mankind as that inner spark of divinity not the flesh.


Ritual sexual abuse/ torture porn is a theme of the movie. It being a satire on the latter. This theme occurs in Gnostic texts as well as in David Icke books. It can be found in the Gospel of Judas when Jesus says, “It is you who are presenting the offerings on the altar you have seen. That one is the God you serve, and you are the twelve men you have seen. And the cattle that are brought in are the sacrifices you have seen- that is, the many people you lead astray before that altar. [The…] will stand up and make use of my name in this way, and <the> generations of the pious will be loyal to him. After him another man will stand up from the [fornicators], and another [will] stand up from the slayers of children and another from those who sleep with men and those who abstain, and the rest of the people of pollution and lawlessness and error, and those who say, ‘We are like angels’, they are the stars that bring everything to completion.” (5)

Goya Sabbath of the Witches

Of course the whore has to be sacrificed whether stoned or hacked apart. For the Antichrist or Beast drinks the blood of the harlot who rides upon him in their sick sensual symbiotic vampiric relationship. Icke reports, “Many recovering mind-controlled slaves have told me how they were brutally sexually abused by Senator Edward Kennedy and one former mind-controlled operative with the Illuminati, a mind controller herself, told me: ‘Senator [Edward] Kennedy and the whole Kennedy family was part of this. I know that they are political icons in our country, but they are in it up to their eyeballs.'” (6) Then of course there are all the ancient conspiracy theories of the Catholics and Roman government regarding the Gnostics drinking blood, menses, and semen, and eating flesh, having orgies and sacrificing babies, etc. Now, Protestants say the same thing about Mormons and Scientologists.


Fran Kranz stars as ‘Marty’ in THE CABIN IN THE WOODS.

Apparently these Lizard people of Icke made the movie and don’t want us dating Mary Jane. Not only does Weed make the Fool in the movie hear things, he follows the things he hears whereas everyone else does what they are told without hearing it. Weed opened him up but it didn’t save him. So, imagine if a smart guy was smoking it, what then? The movie even seems like it was everything he imagined happened because he smoked some laced weed with hallucinogens in it. For example he imagines the Whore making out with the mounted wolf head…I mean when I’m stoned I imagine shit like that. Hell, he heard things that weren’t said. I do that too. He even imagined he saved the hot red head Virgin. How much stoner does it get? He even saw unicorns…c’mon! I do admire his ingenuity at a fold up Coffee mug bong though.

The fool represents foolishness obviously. Judas was a fool in the New Testament so was Peter. They loved Jesus but both either betrayed or denied him which is the same thing for the writers of these documents. Both likely loved Jesus and life. The Stoner in the movie loved life but weed made him lazy. He had a vice that bribed him from his duty. Judas had silver coins. The Fool in Tarot can represent intoxication and even apathy. The apathy of the Gnostic to the material world is in the fool as well as Judas. The Scholar and Athlete characters were poorly written for the most part. There may be more chunks of Gnosis ingrained in this film but these are just some I noticed.

1. ‘Death in the woods’ pg. 239, The David Icke guide to the global conspiracy (and how to stop it), David Icke.
2. ‘The common story’ dot 3 ‘Forbidden knowledge’, pg. 77, The David Icke guide to the global conspiracy (and how to stop it), David Icke.
3. ‘The Emerald tablets’ pg. 99.
4. ‘Suffer the little Children’, pg. 300, Children of the Matrix, David Icke.

5. Gospel of Judas 2nd edition pg. 35-37

6. ‘The blood drinkers’ pg. 137, ch. 8 ‘the shape-shifters’, Children of the Matrix, David Icke.

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